Swallowed

It’s 3:28 on a Wednesday afternoon and you just swallowed my load.

We finished 3 bottles of sweet German liquor on a sunny afternoon after spending the night together, hugging each other and taking turns crying our fuckin eyes out about our childhood traumas and how they still affect us today.

We are two adults who decided to have sex. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. Apart from the voices in our heads telling us how inappropriate this relationship is. Voices of other people’s ideals. She could be your daughter… He could be your father… Biologically at least – legally, not quite.

I tell you that you’re beautiful inside and out. You say: No, I’m a fat piece of shit!

You tell me that I’m a 9 out of 10. ‘I’m a pathetic loser’, I respond.

I tell you that I love you. ‘No, you only think that you love me’ is your answer.

I burst out in laughter. You really did it. You told me that I haven’t got a clue what I want. Just like a mother tells her child: No, you don’t want that chocolate bar. What you want, my dear, is a fuckin apple. Granny fuckin Smith!

We are being told what it is that we want until we completely fuckin lose ourselves.

After 7 years of a mostly sexless marriage I want a sexual revolution. I want to dive deep into my desires and really find out what gets me going… Or do I now? Because everyone tells me that I don’t know what I want. Or am I just telling it to myself? The voices sure as hell drive me insane sometimes… And I’m certain they drive you insane too.

It seems like an endless, and sometimes pointless journey… The journey to ‘unfuck ourselves’. But what makes it worthwhile for me is meeting people like you on the way and realising that I’m not alone in this.

I’m not the only one who’s lost in this maze called life.